Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Where Do You Take the One-Night Stand?

My previous post addressed some of the pitfalls of shitting where you snore (bringing home a one-night stand). There are many alternate locations for such recreation. Numerous factors play a part in determining what works for you, including your friends, your wallet, your comfort level for sex in public places, and yes, even your gender.

1. You’ll get by with a little help from your friends.

Friends are invaluable resources, both for their endless reserves of useful information, and for the fact that getting you laid is one of their most significant and solemn duties. If you’re lucky, you’ve got friends that will lend you the use of their place. At the very least, they should know prime hookup spots that will not lead to your untimely arrest.

2. How much will this cost me?

Strangely enough, when you splurge for hotel sex, it can make things feel cheaper. There’s an air of prostitution in such a transaction, even though Your Hookup isn’t a prostitute (we hope), nor are you (we assume). Yet, for some, that “dirty” feeling can fuel the turn-on.

Still, it’s best not to take Your Hookup to the local crack motel. You want excitement, not terror. Unless you’re both into that sorta thing.

Guys, whatever you do, don’t shell out for the hotel, only to forget the proper protection. Yes, I’m serious; it happens. I’ll share my horror story on that count in an upcoming post.

3. What is it about car sex?

During your teens, it was often your only option. Car sex can be cramped, uncomfortable, and require acrobatic skill that your body possesses less of as you age. So why, then, do so many of us still find it a huge turn-on?

Some thrill in the knowledge that they could be caught in the act. I wonder what percentage of those people would also thrill in actually being caught. I imagine it depends on the aftermath, and whether the fallout involves horrified stares, strangers’ laughter, or a public indecency conviction.

This reminds me of a “getting caught” story I’ll share at a later date.

4. Going home with The Hookup

If Your Hookup is willing, this can be convenient for all parties. Bring your own transportation, though. You want the option to bail at any time, if needed.

Girls: I do not recommend you go home with Your Hookup. For your own safety and reputation, you should have as much control over the hookup environment as he does.
I admit; I have broken this rule myself.

It’s one of those things I now realize I was lucky to have escaped unscathed. I’ve seen many more episodes of Maury since then. I now understand the full extent of disasters I averted, including unwitting internet porn stardom, and lifelong imprisonment as a sex slave in some nutjob’s basement dungeon.

So many pitfalls in life could be avoided simply by watching Maury.


  1. Don't you think that the examples on Maury are a smidge... atypical? In any event, if a fellow's planning to chain you up in his soundproofed underground dungeon for the next twenty years, I don't imagine for a moment that he'll not have developed a contingency for you saying, "actually, let's check into a motel as Mr. and Mrs. Smith". And what's to say that the motel owner isn't a Norman Bates?

  2. "Maury" is the Bible for the worst-cast scenario. Odds are that a girl isn't going to be videotaped and shared on the internet, or held prisoner, but my point is, why risk it? The hotel scenario is better because the girl can choose the location, there are people around who can hear screams, and the guy isn't likely to have videotape equipment set up and ready to go in a location to which he's never been.

    The whole hookup is still a risk, as you point out. My aim is to minimize the risk, if that makes sense. Yes, we could just never have meaningless hookups at all, but I'm not sure I can endorse missing out on that much fun!

  3. I still say watch out for Motel owners who show too much interest in their mothers.

  4. Ha! Yes, a good policy at any time. Unless one's into that sort of thing. :b

  5. I don't understand? What's wrong about being a sex-slave in someones basement? As long as it isn't too cold, and I get fed, I'd be happy to lend myself out. ha - yes, i do get it, and yes you were lucky to come out unscathed. But I imagine, and I could be wrong about this, that 99/100 times a woman doesn't have to worry about some guy being a psycho nut job. But, its that 1/100 that always makes the news.

    And why is it that you think that if you were video-taped and put on the internet that this would make you a "porn-star"? Are you just that good, all the time? :) -nice to find you, and I enjoyed reading some of your stuff.

  6. You know, this will probably sound like I'm joking, or else, the height of ego. But, it truly *never* occurred to me that had any of my sexcapades been caught on film, I would not immediately be an overnight porn sensation!

    Yes, I am that good, dammit!

    Ha -- I don't know what that says about me, that I never thought to have a doubt about my own porn-worthiness until you brought it up. Your mentioning it even in joking makes me laugh, that such doubt never would have occurred to me on my own. Still, upon pondering the issue, I am doubly convinced my porn stardom would be assured.

    Not because I think I'm so hot, but because any guy I know would prefer to watch a woman very much enjoying sex than a woman very much pretending to. I am the former, and have viewed little porn that doesn't predominently feature the latter. Of course, maybe I just need to access better porn!

    Thanks for stopping by. I love comments that make me have to laugh at myself.

    P.S. I'm not entirely opposed to underground sex-slavedom. But I require the option to choose my tormentor!

  7. Where do I file a "tormentor" application? Or, uh, where should I send my resume and and references.

    Next question, do you own a video camera? This debate can be settled in about 10 minutes. Send me a video of yourself in a compromising position and I shall rate it on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the utmost slut-filth-raunchy pornstar extraodinaire. 1, of course means that I can't even get it up watching it. ha. j/k

  8. Sadly, I'm not currently accepting applications, though I could keep your resume on file. ;)

    Thankfully, I do not own a videocamera. I say thankfully, because I could see myself agreeing to documenting acts in the heat of the moment, which I'd regret later. The documenting, of course -- not the acts!