Don't Shit Where You Eat?

The phrase “don’t shit where you eat” is popular in advising against office romances. I recommend applying a variation of this principle to one-night stands: Don’t shit where you snore.

Too often, I’ve seen friends fail to embrace this useful guideline for the random hookup. It’s completely understandable. In the rush to tear someone’s clothes off and do the deed, apart from condoms and the hasty “I’m clean, you?” exchange, little consideration is paid to consequences. (And yes, I do realize the difficulties of finding an alternate location for this particular activity; that subject will be addressed in a future post).

So, what are the consequences of bringing a one-night stand home?

I’m sure it’s obvious: The Hookup now knows where you live. It’s not really helpful to supply this information to someone you never intend to see again.

Even if The Hookup also never intends to see you again, at some point in the ensuing weeks, horniness will often prevail. The Hookup, thinking he/she knows where to find a willing participant, will either call asking to come over, or simply show up. The latter is more likely, since you probably haven’t supplied your number.

Worse still is The Hookup who was all about the hookup, and only the hookup, until it dawns on the person that you, too, were only about the hookup. This realization must be handled carefully, because things can progress a couple of different ways, few of them good. Two common (bad) ones:

1. The Hookup’s ego/self-worth is dented/decimated because you don’t want to have sex with him/her again.

2. The Hookup decides that because you didn’t cuddle/extend an invitation to stay the night, you are suddenly irresistible. That’s right. Your lack of clinginess/interest has caused The Hookup to decide that you are The One. You were clearly meant to be together, and The Hookup only needs to help you see this, so the two of you can be happy together forever.

Suggestions for effective exit strategies are welcome. I have little useful advice for navigating either scenario smoothly. I normally extract myself from awkward situations, well, awkwardly.

Girls, whatever you do, don't suddenly pretend to be a lesbian. I’m sure there are 5 guys out there that information would deter, but odds are low that Your Hookup is one of them. If anything, this will only increase the guy’s determination to win you back for his team. Or result in persistent invitations for threesomes.

For guys trying to extricate yourselves from Scenario #1, saying you think you're gay might work. But, there are too many pitfalls in this plan. Few straight guys I know would be willing to pretend to be gay. Plus, if The Hookup is at all connected to your social circle, you could accidentally start a rumor that would derail your prospects with the opposite sex for the foreseeable future. So, you should only consider this gambit in the direst of circumstances (i.e. she will not leave, and you'd rather not involve the authorities).

For anyone seeking to remove The Hookup who’s insulted you don’t want seconds, but who’s still standing in your bedroom, a more contentious (but most effective) escape hatch is politics. Find out The Hookup’s political leanings. Then spout the opposing side’s most extremist positions.

This may piss off The Hookup so much their feet suddenly beat a path to the front door. Or, you incite a mêlée which ends with one or both of you facing domestic violence charges, but nobody told you to bring The Hookup home. You really should’ve skipped those last few drinks.

In Scenario #2, The Hookup who decides you’re soul mates: regardless of your gender, you're pretty much fucked. You can feign interest in The Hookup, in the hopes that your loss of aloofness will be a turn-off, but you’re essentially closing the barn door after the horse bolted. You’re probably best off making friends with your local PD (or alternatively, neighborhood street gang), so that when you start receiving love packages filled with dead roses (or dead animals), you’ve at least got some backup.

For one-night stands, don’t shit where you snore.